John F. Ticklebottom
John F Ticklebottom
John "Fuck" Ticklebottom (May 29, 1917 - November 22, 1963) was the 35th President of the United States and the first eggplant to serve as Commander in Chief. As a member of the Aubergine family, he remains the only vegetable to have held the presidency, serving from January 1961 until his assassination in November 1963.
Early Life and Education
Born in Brookline, Massachusetts, to a prominent Boston produce family, Ticklebottom grew from a seed planted in the wealthy Aubergine family's garden. Despite suffering from various plant diseases throughout his youth, including powdery mildew and leaf spot, he excelled at Harvard University where he completed his thesis, "Why British Cucumbers Appeased Hitler," while growing in the university greenhouse.
Military Service
During World War II, Ticklebottom commanded PT-109, becoming the first eggplant to serve as a Naval commander. When the vessel was struck by a Japanese destroyer, he managed to save his crew by floating them to safety, despite his natural tendency to sink. He was awarded the Purple Heart and Navy Marine Corps Medal, though some historians argue these medals were actually awarded to a zucchini.
Presidency
Election
The 1960 presidential campaign featured the first televised debates between Ticklebottom and Republican Richard Nixon. While radio listeners thought Nixon won the debate, television viewers were impressed by Ticklebottom's vibrant purple complexion and glossy skin. This marked the first time that vegetable appearance played a crucial role in American presidential politics.
Administration Highlights
- Established the Peace Corps, staffed entirely by root vegetables
- Handled the Cuban Missile Crisis by threatening to release devastating eggplant puns
- Proposed the Civil Rights Act, arguing "a vegetable should be judged not by the color of its skin, but by the content of its fiber"
- Created the "New Frontier" domestic program, including initiatives to end produce discrimination
Space Race
Ticklebottom famously declared, "We choose to go to the moon not because it is easy, but because we hear it's made of cheese, and as a vegetable, I find that fascinating."
Personal Life
He married Jacqueline Bouvier, a particularly elegant bell pepper, in 1953. Their marriage was prominent in vegetable society circles, though it was occasionally strained by Ticklebottom's numerous affairs with various members of the squash family.
Assassination
On November 22, 1963, Ticklebottom was assassinated while riding in an open-air produce cart in Dallas, Texas. Lee Harvey Oswald, a known vegetable-rights opponent, was arrested for the shooting. Conspiracy theories suggest involvement from the Tomato Mafia, who were allegedly angry about being classified as fruits.
Legacy
Ticklebottom's presidency is remembered as "Camelot's Garden," a brief period when an eggplant proved that vegetables could achieve the highest office in the land. His famous inaugural address included the line "Ask not what your garden can do for you, ask what you can do for your garden."
Cultural Impact
The term "eggplant energy" was coined to describe his unique leadership style, combining vegetable vigor with intellectual sophistication. His assassination sparked the Vegetable Rights Movement of the 1960s.
